MLB Playoffs Keys, Narratives and Consequences

There are eight teams left in contention for the World Series in 2011. Here are the keys to each team winning the championship, and the fallout from each victory.

Yankees: Ugh, The Evil Empire wins again! Sportswriters furiously announce that this is just another sign baseball is going in the toilet, even though the final day of the season was the most exciting day in sports in like 30 years. One more final ring for Derek, Jorge and Mo, before Jorge (hopefully) retires. He immediately becomes the New York Mets 3rd base coach, and baserunning instructor. 2012 Mets are first team with negative SB percentage in a season. CC Sabathia regains spot as most feared big game pitcher in baseball, mostly because he ate Tim Lincecum after game 2 of the World Series. Mariano Rivera is anointed the Next Mariano Rivera.

Phillies: The city of Philadelphia falls silent as they try to digest winning two titles in four years. Unable to deal with the success, most fans move to Cleveland. Major League Baseball votes to rename the National League the ‘Roy Halladay League’ after he throws 4 perfect games in a row on his way to World Series MVP, NL Cy Young and 2012 GOP candidate for president. Ryan Howard’s contract is extended even further, and he will stay in Philadelphia until ‘Cthulhu takes his dominion over our universe.’

Rangers: A first world series for the Rangers, Nolan Ryan is vindicated for his belief that a pitcher with less than 120 pitches in a start is a sissyboy and a loser. CJ Wilson’s arm falls off after throwing 160 pitches on 3 days rest to clinch the AL Pennant. Manages to beat Yankees in ALCS, mainly because Hank Steinbrenner informed team pregame that Wilson had already signed a 6 year, 190 million dollar deal with the Pinstripes. Randy Levine insists deal still stands, even though CJ Wilson has no left arm anymore. Michael Young hits .130 with a .243 OBP, but after winning game 1 of the World Series with a bloop, broken bat single, Tim McCarver talks so long about how great of a hitter Young is, the World Series experiences it’s first ever Announcer-Delay. Neftali Feliz is Next Mariano Rivera.

Brewers: An underrated baseball town (or at least thats what ESPN tells me – no one from Wisconsin cares about anything but Packers football, beer and cheese-shaped headpieces) finally gets a title. Ryan Braun dances the Hora in Milwaukee as confused Milwaukee-ians drink beer and wonder why he’s wearing a tiny baseball hat with no brim. Prince Fielder celebrates by eating what he thought was lunch, but was actually Nyjer Morgan. He signs a 12 year contract with the Mets, and contributes to that negative SB percentage. MLB locks out the players, refusing to allow a league in which a team with Yuniesky Betancourt won the World Series. No one protests.

Tigers: Justin Verlander throws 103 MPH on his final pitch to strike out Justin Upton and win the World Series. His 201st pitch of the game, and 615th of the series across three starts, Verlander immediately retires to join the Rangers as pitching coach, where he believes Ryan’s pitch count limits are too low. Miguel Cabrera does not drive drunk in celebration, however he commits a serious faux pas when he spikes the World Series Trophy. Gerald Laird and Brandon Inge burst in to the clubhouse and furiously hump the fallen trophy. Jim Leyland retires to become the new mascot for Camel cigarettes.

Diamondbacks: Arizona’s deal with the devil holds strong – they win the World Series in every year that ends with 1, are absolutely awful every year that ends with 0, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 or 9. Ian Kennedy manages a complete game winner in Game One of the World Series despite not throwing a pitch above 71 MPH. Tim Wakefield watches, jealous of his velocity. Justin Upton wins the title on a walkoff home run in Game 6, that bounces off his brother’s head in centerfield and over the fence. Upton parents announces BJ was adopted, renege on the agreement and yell ‘NO BACKSIES.’

Rays: The most incredible comeback in baseball history, the Rays sweep the Rangers, Yankees and Phillies to win their first title. A tell-all book from Joe Maddon 10 years later reveals that Jonah Keri’s ‘Extra 2%’ was actually massive amounts of steroids. Joe West stirs the pot when he ejects the singer of the National Anthem for holding the final note too long. Evan Longoria wins World Series MVP, and officially becomes the most famous E. Longoria in history. During a game in which Rays fans chant BJ to honor ALCS MVP BJ Upton, 12 years old all over the world giggle under their hands. To avoid any more trouble, Upton changes his name to BTJ, which stands for Better Than Justin.

Cardinals: The Greatest Fans In the Game™ erupt with joy as the World Series returns to St. Louis. Albert Pujols hits .415 across the playoffs, with an OPS of 1.100. Also, he grabbed momentum in the NLCS after pulled off a mask to reveal he was actually a cyborg sent from the future to win this World Series, hereby preventing two joyous Yankees fans from copulating, which would have led to the birth of John Connor. The Phillies stunningly forfeit the NLDS during game three, because the game slowed to a crawl after Tony LaRussa made 13 pitching changes before the 3rd inning ended. Colby Rasmus cries himself to sleep in snowy Toronto.

BONUS: Red Sox: Just as CJ Wilson is preparing to start the playoffs, a gang of sportswriters and ESPN anchors, led by Peter Gammons and Eric Ortiz, announce that due to extenuating circumstances, the Boston Red Sox have been awarded the 2011 World Series Championship. In their reasoning, they state that how could so perfect, so awesome, so divine of a team be expected to compete with mere mortals? MLB agrees, in exchange for Boston agreeing to never mention the words ‘2004’ or ‘bloody sock’ again, with the corollary that Curt Schilling should have his mouth sewn shut. No one disagrees.

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