Twitter is a strange place. Tonight our very own Hiba (@GoGetMyCoffee) tweeted the following:
“If Derek Jeter & Minka Kelly have a baby… Will it be a Lion King moment, where Baby Jeet will be lifted up & crowds at Yankee Stadium bow?”
And from there we erupted: we created Yankee representatives for every major Lion King character. Not all Yankees were used because there weren’t enough Lion King characters. So starting with Hiba’s beginning:
Mufasa and Sarabi are of course: Derek Jeter and Minka Kelly. The First Couple of Yankeedom. Simba is their as-of-yet-unborn child. Nala is uh… I don’t want to go there. Jorge Posada’s daughter?
Rafiki is the easiest: Mariano Rivera. Wise. Mysterious. Learned. He shall wipe pine tar across baby Jeter’s forehead before lifting him up for the crowds of cheering fans at Yankee Stadium. No one knows where Mariano/Rafiki really came from, and no one really knows his secrets.
Timon and Pumba: Nick Swisher and AJ Burnett. Swisher is easy. Fast-talking, jokester; the best interview on the team is a perfect fit for Timon. And Pumba just seems like a slow-talking southerner who enjoys pieing his teammates.
Zazu: Francisco Cervelli. Zazu is an annoying just necessary part of the Lion King kingdom. Cervelli is the same. Plus, can’t you see Cervelli dancing around the clubhouse singing “I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts…”
The hyenas: The opposition of the Yankees must of course be Red Sox. And what better threesome (eww bad mental image) of Red Sox to be jackass hyenas than pitchers Josh Beckett, Clay Buchholz and John Lackey. Idiots.
Finally, Scar. We searched and searched for a Yankee who signed with the Red Sox. The most recent ones in memory were Alfredo Aceves and Ramiro Mendoza. Frankly, neither of them is evil enough, nor do we want to burden them with the curse of being Scar. We needed someone universally hated by Yankees’ fans. Carl Pavano was an early entrant, as the fans hated him. But he didn’t betray us, rather he just sucked and left. Then we tossed around Cliff Lee. After all, the Yankees fans hate him – he was a Yankee in all but uniform before he shockingly signed with the Phillies. But we decided we needed someone who betrayed the Yankees, specifically Jeter. Someone who we brought on to help but he failed us time and time again. Someone that was the anti-Jeter in every respect. The perfect answer was staring at us right in the mirror, a mirror which he kissed.
Wallace Matthews was right all along. Alex Rodriguez is Scar.
*Many thanks to everyone who helped out, including @richardiurilli, @lettyroxmysox, @carlosologist, @kit_722, @rebexarama, @anamariana42, and @bkabak.*