My Beautiful Dark Twisted Baseball Team

Over the course of this baseball season, whenever Alex Rodriguez has hit a homerun, the Yankees fans on Twitter would predictably erupt in to platitudes for the cleanup hitter. One is always my favorite, which is by @simmonsclass (an excellent follow if you’re in to the Yankees, the OKC Thunder and Columbia sports). Whenever ARod hits a homerun, @simmonsclass will tweet No one man should have all that power.

That is of course from Kanye West’s Power, one of the singles off his latest album. So as I walked through Lower Manhattan today and listened to the album, I immediately connected Power to Rodriguez. As I listened, I immediately began connecting other songs to various Yankees as I walked. And lo and behold, here is the result:

Track 1: Dark Fantasy – the first track of the album goes to the most dominant Yankee of our generation: Mariano Rivera. Can we get much higher? Mariano can’t. “Too many Urkels on your team, that’s why you’re Winslow” is what Mo thinks of Eric Gagne, Jonathan Papelbon and every other closer who was supposed to be the next Mariano Rivera.

Track 2: Gorgeous – The second track goes to Curtis Granderson, the outbreak player of this year for the Yankees. Granderson has made The Jump this year, but he would never display the sheer arrogance this song exudes. Granderson seems to have stepped it up in what may have been his last chance to go from good player to great one. And the chorus of this song fits that: no more chances if you blow this, you bogus, I will never ever let you live this down, down, down.

Track 3: Power. Alex Rodriguez of course. Kanye and ARod have more than a few things in common in general but this song fits Alex like it was written for him:

Do it better than anybody you ever seen do it
Screams from the haters, got a nice ring to it
I guess every superhero need his theme music

ARod has had some light skin girls, and could probably pull some Kelly Rowlands. Arod embodies every characteristic of the egotistic: he knows, he so, f****n’ gifted.

Track 4/5: All of the Lights (including Interlude) – Maybe my favorite song of the album goes to my favorite newest Yankee, catcher Russell Martin. Martin had a taste of the lights when he made two All Star teams in Los Angeles, but in baseball, the lights are brightest in New York. Russell comes up to bat to this song, amidst the flash lights, spot lights, strobe lights, street lights…

Track 6: Monster – CC Sabathia, Joba Chamberlain, Bartolo Colon and the rest of the Yankees pitching staff gets the song with the best beat on the album. Fat m****f****r now look who’s in trouble seems to sum up other teams trying to score off CC or Colon right now. The part of the team most suspect coming in to the season has stepped up to carry the Yanks through some poor offensive stretches and they have played like some Monsters.

Track 7: So Appalled – My favorite of the non-singles on the album goes to the Captain, Derek Jeter. Jeter has been nothing but adored since he came to New York in 1996. Until now. Cries of his downfall have been echoing for a year now and I’m sure Jeter is pretty appalled. As Jay-Z says on the song, “dark knight feeling, die or be a hero
or live long enough to see yourself become a villain.” Somehow, by merely playing until they rip the uniform off of him, Jeter has become a villain. Regardless of what happens, when Jeter walks away, he can do it with one hand in the air, middle finger in the air. And that finger will probably have a World Series ring on it.

Track 8: Devil in a New Dress – This one was tough. It’s a song about infatuation. So this one goes to the fans. We love the Yankees, even when they don’t always do what we like. And based on some of the female Twitter users, the more… lustful side of this song could very well apply as well.

Track 9: Runaway – After the Yankees win the 2011 World Series, and they have aptly doused themselves in champagne, I hope someone stands up and proposes a toast. Let’s have a toast for the douchebags, let’s have a toast for the a**holes, let’s have a toast for the scumbags. The Yankees are the most hated team in sports. People hate the money, they hate the rings, they hate ARod, they hate Jeter, they hate the Steinbrenners. But much like the city of New York itself, even the haters can’t deny greatness. And averaging a World Series ring for every four years of existence is pretty damn great.

Track 10: Hell of a Life – this song is all about the ups and downs of a passionate relationship. And based on the media coverage of the Yankees, no team in the history of sports has experienced more ups and downs than the 2011 Yankees. Relegated to 3rd place during the offseason (Eric Ortiz said the Red Sox were going to win over 100 games, and possibly 120. 120!),  they were handed the division after three weeks due to the struggles of Boston and Tampa. Then they hit a bump, had a bad week and were again forced to face the same questions – are you too old? Too slow? And that’s just two months.

Track 11: Blame Game – Is there any Yankee more fun to blame than Jorge Posada? One of the best catchers in MLB history and a great Yankee for close to two decades, Posada has always been questioned. Sure, it’s easy to make fun of his goofy faces and his speed (err… or lack thereof) but Jorge takes way too much flak for a guy who has been the most consistent catcher in baseball over the past decade. Honorable mention: Joe Girardi takes heat for every decision he makes but he’s definitely one of the better managers in baseball right now. His best qualities aren’t seen by the public, in that he handles the team very well and has the trust of all of his players. 

Bonus: at the end of this track is a cameo by Chris Rock. He plays the part of a man who just finished having sex with a girl and is complimenting her on her, technique to put it nicely. She repeatedly credits Yeezy (for those who don’t know, a nickname for Kanye). He asks the question at one point “damn girl, you had your p***y reupholstered? Who reupholstered your p***y?” She responds with “Yeezy reupholstered my p***y.” So after Granderson hit another one of his bombs early this year, that same @simmonsclass tweeted “damn Grandy, you had your swing reupholstered. Who reupholstered your swing?” And I was quick to respond with “K-Leezy reupholstered my swing.” It caused much merriment amongst the Twitter folk. Back to your regularly scheduled reading.)

Track 12: Lost in the World – the most intangible song of the album, Lost in the World has fewer verses than other songs and has more of a focus on the music and the feeling of the song. Fittingly, this song is given to Yankee Stadium III. Despite being flashier, more expensive and more corporate than Yankee Stadium II, number three has managed to retain the aura and mystique (sorry, I had to) of the old Yankees. Much like this song, if you listen carefully during the playoffs, you can hear the chants of the generations of Yankees fans echoing down.

Track 13: Who Will Survive in America – This song is the future. The spoken word throws the future in to doubt. Right now, there are a fresh crop of baby Yankees on the brink of stardom. Jesus Montero, Manny Banuelos, Dellin Betances, Brandon Laird, Andrew Brackman, Gary Sanchez and more are on their way. I guarantee you that at least one will bust. At least one will be traded or released by the Yankees and will succeed with another team. The question we all are asking is: who will survive in the Bronx? Who will survive in the Bronx? Who will survive in the Bronx…

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