Musings on Anxiety, Graduation and My Mom

In about five months, I will finish my academic career. I will graduate Syracuse University with a degree in magazine journalism, a field that is dying. Each month, magazines are moving everything online, or closing up shop entirely. On top of that, I don’t even know if that’s what I want to do.

I love to read, and I like to write. I love composing pieces, hooking a reader in early and weaving a story. Unfortunately, I don’t like doing interviews, (mainly due to my stutter) and research feels too much like textbook studying for me.

Sadly, I can’t make a living as a writer. No one just writes. You have to write a novel, or teach, or write for a publication, or edit for a publication. Most do some amalgam of those four. I don’t know what I want to do. I don’t have experience editing for any publications, and only a few small writing clips.

Sometimes, I go through random bouts of anxiety. They are usually brought on when I am depressed about something else; usually sports. These anxiety attacks hit me randomly and I worry about post-graduation. What will I do? I would be welcomed home to live, but I couldn’t face my mom every day if I was unemployed for a significant amount of time. She works so hard, and has done so her whole life. If I was just living off her generosity beyond my college years, I’d feel like a mooch. My older brother, 26, is talking about moving back home for the third time. My mom isn’t happy about it. She loves us to death and would let us live here forever, but we shouldn’t.

Who knows? Maybe something will change in my final semester and I will discover some job I can do to kickstart my adult life. But as of right now, I don’t know what I will do. I don’t want to work at another summer camp. I’ve been doing that since I was 13 and it’s time for a change. Everyone always says to find something you love, and figure out a way to make money doing it. But what if the things I love are watching sports? Not necessarily writing about sports, or reporting sports; just watching them. Unless they start paying people to livetweet Yankee games, I’m up a creek.

We’ll see what happens. Maybe on May 17th, at 12:10 AM, I will be sitting here writing a post on my revelatory internship that will change my life. I will be gushing on my awesome boss, my helpful colleagues and the exciting prospects it will have long-term.

Or maybe not. Maybe I will be sitting on my couch, waiting for Craig Ferguson to come on. Maybe we would have just come back from Syracuse, and I’ll be bone tired from 6 hours of driving with my dad. And I’ll post something here about having no job prospects, no disposable income and nothing to do the next day.

We’ll see. But until then, I’ll just have to deal with these anxiety attacks. Normally I just ignore it and try to occupy my mind with TV shows, reading stuff online or playing video games. Maybe from now on, I can put that anxiety to good use: I’ll write. So expect some anxious posts over the next couple of months.

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